I know this is only a couple of days but I've really been doing it for a couple of weeks. This is my journal entry for week 2. This post is more about me finding my way in the journaling/blogging thing than anything else. I'm really still figuring all this out.
I went back to the library and tried to look up some books but none were on the shelf. If I'm going to turn my Celebrate Recovery Thursdays into a mother's grieving group then I need a text.
I kind of feel like I'm supposed to be "doing" things like being proactive about starting a group and starting a blog and having this dedicated time but I'm not sure I'm supposed to be "doing" anything during my dedicated time. I guess I feel like if I'm going to take up space at the library I need that space needs to have activity.
Actually it felt really good to be sitting at a table alone writing. I used to write a lot when I was younger. Of course when I was younger I had the time to write. No job, no husband, no kids, no responsibilities -- just a lot of time to try to figure things out by putting it on paper. It still felt like I was just doing a writing exercise. Then it hit me - I probably should be writing with a purpose. A topic. Duh. So I brainstormed topics.
I listed several starter topics to delve into. I feel good about the list. Hopefully most of them will turn into blog posts. I think I'm doing this right (the grieving thing). I'm still scared that I'm not and I'm also scared if I do it really right it will get way worse before it gets better. I know I will just have to stay committed and push through
(Psalm 56:3-4 When I am afraid I put my trust in you. In God whose word I praise. In God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?)
I read James 1 at work today. James 1:2-4 says: Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.
The commentary in my Bible says:
The point is not to pretend to be happy when we face pain but to have a positive outlook (consider it pure joy) because of what trials can produce in our lives. James tells us to turn our hardships into times of learning. We can't really know the depth of our character until we see how we react under pressure.
Commentary for Psalm 88 says:
Don't think that you must always be cheerful and positive. Grief and depression take time to heal.
I know God has led me to this place. I know He wants the best for me. I know that He has a plan and purpose (Jeremiah 29:11). I know that my feelings are not truth but He is the truth, the way and the life. I can't trust my feelings even though they seem very real.
(Psalm 73:21-28 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered I was senseless and ignorant. I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you, you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire but you. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish. You destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near to God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge. I will tell of all your deeds.)
(Psalm 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth. You will again bring me up.)
The first topic I have on my list that I brainstormed is to talk about my first loss. I named him Trevor Bryce. I've only discussed him with a few people and only then one on one so putting him out there for the world is a little daunting.
I never know how to end these things. I'll try to get better.
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